But first, Doritos

Okay first let me back up. For those of you who don't know me in real life (aka everyone), I live with my boyfriend. This is relatively new, we moved in together last year but were sharing a house with another couple so it wasn't like just the two of us. But now it is lol. Anyway we live in a fairly metropolitan yet isolated area, he's going to school and I'm working, but neither of us is really here by choice. I mean he chose the school and I chose to move here for him but ultimately we don't want to live the rest of our lives here, are planning on moving in the next couple years, and barely know anyone around. I wouldn't say we're hermits, my bf is actually one of the most easygoing, get-along with, everyone likes type of guy. But his whole focus is here for school and minus the friends we used to live with and a couple other people we don't really have any friends in the area. So a typical Friday night would be us at the gym or us at home cuddling up on the couch watching a movie or something. (Totally lame right?!)
Today we went to the gym right after I got off work so we were home by like 6 and he had dinner cooking in the Crockpot all afternoon (what a great homemaker, I know ;)) and had a homemade sangria mix of hard cider, vodka, & whiskey ready so we had all the elements of a good night set out for us. I should mention we have a puppy too, an almost 5 month old German Shepherd...needless to say she is extremely high energy and I work with kids so I know what high energy is like. Today she was being a little shithead I mean I love her but everyone has days, even with kids where they just want a break am I right?!
The bf has finals tomorrow and then a huge national exam Wednesday so he wanted to eat and do some studying, but somehow in between dinner and after we started arguing. I hate to blame the dog but I really do believe she started it, being all whiny and biting and stuff we were both just fed up with her because we both have a lot going on. Honestly I don't even remember most of the stuff that was said except he said I didn't take his school seriously and never wanted him to study (completely untrue, I'm his #1 fan and encourage him to study whenever, I just also encourage him to hang out with me...) and I may have said he cared more about hanging out with the puppy in his free time than he did with me (and I'm sposed to be his girlfriend!). Now call me out if I'm being a petty selfish bitch here, but a girl wants to feel loved and needed and like she's a priority, even when there's other stuff going on. I mean I feel like I do that for him, so why can't guys get that if they are there for their girls they'll do anything for them when it comes down to it?!
Needless to say he said he was going to sleep right before 9 and I offered a backrub but said I was going to stay up later and watch tv. Gave him a short backrub and was feeling tired (and tipsy....I said whiskey, cider, and vodka yall!! it was delicious btw) and honestly just wanted to snuggle up to him in bed and fall asleep. But I remembered we have doritos in the pantry. This is significant because we've been trying to eat clean and do insanity but we've done a couple cheat weeks on our "break" and they were BOGO at publix so we had to get them. Anyway I went to the other room, ate some nachos all the while drinking water to make sure I don't wake up in the middle of the night parched and super thirsty, and licked my fingers. Then went to bed.

How was your Friday night?!

Wine + chocolate = happiness

Sometimes a girl just needs wine and chocolate. For realsies. Like yesterday, I was craving chocolate all day but told myself I didn't need it because I'm on this clean eating "diet" and I'm never going to be thin if I keep cheating on it. And to top it off my boyfriend got home super early (I'm usually home like an hour before him) so I couldn't justify or casually stop at a gas station on my way home without him knowing lol. I mean I'm in the middle of my period and cramping like crazy, I'm exhausted and weak because I'm bleeding unwomanly things out of my body and my body basically hates me. I tried to workout (we're doing insanity...shaun t is pretty intense but so far I'm surviving) but the power went out about halfway through and my cramps were making it basically impossible to do all the moves correctly (there's a LOT of jumps/jumping movements) so I took it as a sign that even the universe was telling me to just go to the store. Came home with mini reese's, moscato, and tampons. The cashier was probably thinking I fit every female stereotype he ever heard of but idgaf....went to sleep feeling good. :)

Sometimes the truth is hard to swallow

You know what sucks? Realizing that your parents were never meant to be together. Realizing maybe they were never really in love, they married for convenience and the sake of getting old, but that the bond they had was never enough to keep them together through the rough times. Over the years they grew further and further apart until they no longer kissed hello and goodbye, gave hugs instead but even those eventually disappeared. One day, when they had been living in completely different cities (and that was somehow acceptable), one of them decided to file for divorce and the other was completely blindsided. But in the end it didn't really matter. They barely had a real relationship to begin with, so a divorce on paper shouldn't make that much difference.

When you're little you think the world of your parents. They're perfect and all-knowledgeable, and you look up to them and want to be them. You believe in fairy tales and happy endings. But growing up you gradually realize this isn't the case. I've always been more pessimistic than optimistic, a glass half empty rather than half full kinda girl (even before I realized what that meant). When you're 22 and your parents have made it this far together you think they'll be together forever. But sometimes life blindsides you too. Two years later, I can't say I really dealt with my parents divorce at all. I basically ignored it, and acted like it was normal to visit them separately and avoid talking about the other parent. Now I've realized that maybe somehow, even though I love both of them they really weren't good together and are kind of better off alone. Realizations like these are hard, but part of growing up. 

Someone very close to me told me last night "you're the saddest person I know."well, I'm sorry to hear that, but people without depression have a hard time comprehending how it is to live and deal with it. whereas you get to deal with a full range of emotions on the daily, I get the choices of sad, super sad, or don't care enough to give a fuck mode. I've tried explaining myself but sometimes I feel like it's pointless. I don't want to make excuses or make you feel sorry for me, but a lot of the time I wish I could just stay in bed all day or do nothing. which looks like laziness. it's like a big cloud is constantly hovering over me and when a ray of sunlight occasionally breaks through something inevitably happens that squelches it. and so I go on, wandering about with my storm cloud, hoping that something good happens.

I've tried meds, several different ones and dosages and combinations of meds. they blocked my ability to feel anything so I decided not to take anymore. at least now I can distinguish feelings of sadness, frustration, apathy, etc, and know when I need to pick myself up and not wallow in my situations.

sorry for the rambling disjointedness. I was motivated to try & start blogging again after a great friend of mine opened her blog up to me. thanks for the inspiration, party of one. you are amazing & i look up to you!

Start small. My first and only words of wisdom on what I thought was going to be my kick-ass blog. That was over a year ago. Lol. Good thing for second chances! I believe I have a lot to share with the world wide web. I'm a klutz, dorky yet intelligent, artistic, athletic, can be super motivated when I want to, a decent cook and baker, and great with kids. I don't have any of my own yet. Well, kind of. I've been working as a full-time nanny for about the past 8 months. It definitely has its ups and downs, as with any job! I'm a twenty-something University of Florida graduate (Go Gators!) who has yet to actually put her Bachelor's to use...hence the current nannying situation. Debating going back to school for something completely different or just getting a Masters' for the heck of it/hopes of better job prospects. More on my muddled life goals later. It's almost 6am and I should definitely be sleeping. But a migraine was on the brink and I couldn't sit still, so now you get a peek into my dysfunctional brain. Ha. Listening to JT currently, I don't care what anyone says- Timberlake is an awesome white boy. Love him and Eminem. I love winter. It's my favorite time of year, even though I grew up in a family who didn't celebrate Christmas. I've lived in 4 states but I'm definitely a Florida girl- anything below 70 is cold to me. I know, it's a little pathetic. But I do appreciate a good chilly day. As long as I have enough clothing I'm good. Hoodies are a girl's best friend. Oh and also being a Florida girl I never  rarely ever get to see snow unless I go up north. So I think it's awesome. To me, shoveling snow is like a day in a candy store to a kid. Seriously, I WILL COME SHOVEL YOUR DRIVEWAY. Of course I can't guarantee I'll still think it's super fun if you have a mile long driveway covered in 2ft of snow lol. I'm an awesome painter, I've helped so many friends paint their rooms/houses/etc. That used to be fun to me too, until I got tired out...but I love helping people so if you have a room or something small (aka NOT your entire house including ceilings because every room has to be a different color) then I'm your girl. Umm that's all for now but I promise it won't be this long til next time I write! I want to start using this as kind of a diary to jot down my random thoughts/observations/etc and hopefully provide some amusement. Peace out and happy December, world.

do your research beforehand

...especially when it comes to something like adding 10lb ankle weights to your normal workout. i could barely walk up the stairs at the gym, let alone the poor guy i almost fell onto solely bc i was looking at my phone/not paying attention to where i was going. longer posts to come soon, but for now, i'll leave you with these words of wisdom: start small. aka if you're going to try on extra weight for greater resistance, try 2.5 or 5 lb weights, not 10 lb ones...it doesn't seem like that much but trust me, it is. XOXO!