Someone very close to me told me last night "you're the saddest person I know."well, I'm sorry to hear that, but people without depression have a hard time comprehending how it is to live and deal with it. whereas you get to deal with a full range of emotions on the daily, I get the choices of sad, super sad, or don't care enough to give a fuck mode. I've tried explaining myself but sometimes I feel like it's pointless. I don't want to make excuses or make you feel sorry for me, but a lot of the time I wish I could just stay in bed all day or do nothing. which looks like laziness. it's like a big cloud is constantly hovering over me and when a ray of sunlight occasionally breaks through something inevitably happens that squelches it. and so I go on, wandering about with my storm cloud, hoping that something good happens.

I've tried meds, several different ones and dosages and combinations of meds. they blocked my ability to feel anything so I decided not to take anymore. at least now I can distinguish feelings of sadness, frustration, apathy, etc, and know when I need to pick myself up and not wallow in my situations.

sorry for the rambling disjointedness. I was motivated to try & start blogging again after a great friend of mine opened her blog up to me. thanks for the inspiration, party of one. you are amazing & i look up to you!